I am so sorry that all these young people are in this position. Please reassure your daughter that it is not unkind to feel out of her depth and to want to just have a normal uni start. From a safeguarding point of view, even though they are all over 18, I would make this something each parent deals with, just the same as you would if it was an acquaintance from school. If they had come home from school and said a child was threatening suicide, you would phone school, and their safeguarding team would contact parents and mental health services or emergency services if necessary. So at Uni, I would contact uni and keep checking with my daughter what was happening. It sounds like you're doing that but the major thing I am trying to get across I'd that you make it no responsibility of the young people. Their only responsibility is to be pleasant, invite this person to activities and inform welfare each time this person has harmed themselves or mentions suicide. I would tell welfare that it is not appropriate to get flatmates to watch or suggest solutions to the person. If this flatmate continues with self harm and suicidal talk, they must arrange for someone else to be responsible - either her returning home, or to accommodation with professional care if available If this person did commit suicide, imagine the guilt they may feel and the subsequent lives ruined if they felt they hadn't 'done enough'. I know someone who survived a serious suicide attempt and I asked what would have changed their mind. They said at the point of the overdose, absolutely nothing. I am upset for the person but the thought of 18yr olds trying to deal with this makes my heart ache.
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Thoughts please...
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I would contact wellbeing team and if they still do nothing, contact adult social care at the council or call 101 and ask the police for a welfare check. You can tell uni wellbeing that's what you intend to do, it might make them pull their finger out.DD is in a very difficult situation less than 2 weeks into first year. One flatmate obviously has some serious mental health issues. At first they seemed just a bit quiet and odd and the other flatmates included them going out etc but they don't really communicate. They started noticing self harm scars this week and have alerted student wellbeing. They have tried to make contact but didn't get much response it seems. This has now escalated and the flatmate now says things about ending their life, and yesterday 2 of the flatmates have seen them with blood dripping down their arms. Again they've contacted wellbeing. My DD is quite proactive and has been to speak to the accommodation team, who said they've let wellbeing know again. They also came up to visit and have been in the student's room but there is nothing forthcoming. So the flatmates are left with a student who comments to them about suicide, they've asked for help but the student isn't accepting it. What do they do? Myself and another parent want to contact wellbeing to say that this is too much for our young people to deal with, they are only 18 and they don't know this person. Tbh the rest of the flat think the student needs to leave and commute from home (not too far). Any advice how we proceed? This has caused such upset to the flatmates who want to help but it's too much for them. If you've read this far, thank you so much, from a very worried mum x
I think they can ask wellbeing to.report to their safeguarding team or the emergency services. This needs escalating urgently if they are saying they are suicidalDD is in a very difficult situation less than 2 weeks into first year. One flatmate obviously has some serious mental health issues. At first they seemed just a bit quiet and odd and the other flatmates included them going out etc but they don't really communicate. They started noticing self harm scars this week and have alerted student wellbeing. They have tried to make contact but didn't get much response it seems. This has now escalated and the flatmate now says things about ending their life, and yesterday 2 of the flatmates have seen them with blood dripping down their arms. Again they've contacted wellbeing. My DD is quite proactive and has been to speak to the accommodation team, who said they've let wellbeing know again. They also came up to visit and have been in the student's room but there is nothing forthcoming. So the flatmates are left with a student who comments to them about suicide, they've asked for help but the student isn't accepting it. What do they do? Myself and another parent want to contact wellbeing to say that this is too much for our young people to deal with, they are only 18 and they don't know this person. Tbh the rest of the flat think the student needs to leave and commute from home (not too far). Any advice how we proceed? This has caused such upset to the flatmates who want to help but it's too much for them. If you've read this far, thank you so much, from a very worried mum x
That rollercoaster called life
New member
I would reach out to the wellbeing team and if not happy, report to the social worker duty officer. This YP is in danger and it is absolutely not fair that the rest of the flatmates are being left to deal with supporting them, whilst trying to deal with moving out from home and their own emotional needs.
Thank you for this, and I'm so sorry that you have first hand experience of this. What a terribly sad thing, I do hope your daughter can enjoy her time at uni - well done to her for going, it must've been an incredibly difficult yearI am pleased that you have been able to get the YP some help, for now at least. Presumably if they are 18 or older the Uni doesn’t always have permission to contact parents/carer as they are considered an adult. Your daughter and flatmates absolutely did the right thing, and agree with other comments that they shouldn’t have to deal with this, but well done for acting so promptly. PAPYRUS, a national charity for the Prevention of Young Suicide, also have a 24/7 Hopeline 0800 068 4141.
Having supported, and continuing to support, our daughter after her boyfriend died by suicide earlier in the year, it is something I wouldn’t wish anyone to experience. The ripple effects are so far reaching and something she, us, his family and friends will never get over. She has just started at uni a week ago, and is meeting the Well-being Team next week to make them aware of her situation and to give our numbers as consent should they ever feel the need to contact us. I worry every day about her. Your daughter and flatmates should not hesitate in talking to someone should they feel the need, but I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you that. Wishing the YP well and hope they get the support they need.
Thank you I've advised them that 999 is definitely the right thing if they are frightened it's going too farHi, I don’t want to cause alarm but please call an ambulance - my son is a paramedic who was called to a similar situation involving students, they’d rather come and not be needed than come too late.
Thank you. They are definitely not equipped for this xI am so sorry that all these young people are in this position. Please reassure your daughter that it is not unkind to feel out of her depth and to want to just have a normal uni start. From a safeguarding point of view, even though they are all over 18, I would make this something each parent deals with, just the same as you would if it was an acquaintance from school. If they had come home from school and said a child was threatening suicide, you would phone school, and their safeguarding team would contact parents and mental health services or emergency services if necessary. So at Uni, I would contact uni and keep checking with my daughter what was happening. It sounds like you're doing that but the major thing I am trying to get across I'd that you make it no responsibility of the young people. Their only responsibility is to be pleasant, invite this person to activities and inform welfare each time this person has harmed themselves or mentions suicide. I would tell welfare that it is not appropriate to get flatmates to watch or suggest solutions to the person. If this flatmate continues with self harm and suicidal talk, they must arrange for someone else to be responsible - either her returning home, or to accommodation with professional care if available If this person did commit suicide, imagine the guilt they may feel and the subsequent lives ruined if they felt they hadn't 'done enough'. I know someone who survived a serious suicide attempt and I asked what would have changed their mind. They said at the point of the overdose, absolutely nothing. I am upset for the person but the thought of 18yr olds trying to deal with this makes my heart ache.
If they, or you ring 999 the police and or ambulance will attend. If they feel other assistance is needed they know what to do.DD is in a very difficult situation less than 2 weeks into first year. One flatmate obviously has some serious mental health issues. At first they seemed just a bit quiet and odd and the other flatmates included them going out etc but they don't really communicate. They started noticing self harm scars this week and have alerted student wellbeing. They have tried to make contact but didn't get much response it seems. This has now escalated and the flatmate now says things about ending their life, and yesterday 2 of the flatmates have seen them with blood dripping down their arms. Again they've contacted wellbeing. My DD is quite proactive and has been to speak to the accommodation team, who said they've let wellbeing know again. They also came up to visit and have been in the student's room but there is nothing forthcoming. So the flatmates are left with a student who comments to them about suicide, they've asked for help but the student isn't accepting it. What do they do? Myself and another parent want to contact wellbeing to say that this is too much for our young people to deal with, they are only 18 and they don't know this person. Tbh the rest of the flat think the student needs to leave and commute from home (not too far). Any advice how we proceed? This has caused such upset to the flatmates who want to help but it's too much for them. If you've read this far, thank you so much, from a very worried mum x
Update: student has told flatmates they were thinking of jumping off a bridge the other day, and has had severe cuts on arms. Security have been to say remove all sharp items from kitchen. Student took themself to A&E on Fri saying they were suicidal then has been home for the weekend. Flatmates have all complained and several parents including myself have too. Wellbeing have visited today and asked the flatmates to put it all in writing. Dd is now having nightmares as afraid of the student who is bigger than her and has said they feel out of control when in possession of a knife. Has had all knives taken off them but has said they'll just get another. Wellbeing made them think this could be a long time getting sorted as the student is being assessed. We want it sorted ASAP as it's really worrying them, but presume have to go through these channels. I've put my concerns in writing, DD has sent hers to the email they asked them to contact. Anyone any idea now timescale for this kind of thing?
This is a police matter now, if your daughter and her flatmates are concerned that they are also at risk the police need to be involved, not as a punishment but as safeguarding. They can ask adult social care to support . The poor girl is clearly distressed and sounds like it’s escalating, and she needs appropriate support, which is beyond what your daughter etc and uni is able to provide .Update: student has told flatmates they were thinking of jumping off a bridge the other day, and has had severe cuts on arms. Security have been to say remove all sharp items from kitchen. Student took themself to A&E on Fri saying they were suicidal then has been home for the weekend. Flatmates have all complained and several parents including myself have too. Wellbeing have visited today and asked the flatmates to put it all in writing. Dd is now having nightmares as afraid of the student who is bigger than her and has said they feel out of control when in possession of a knife. Has had all knives taken off them but has said they'll just get another. Wellbeing made them think this could be a long time getting sorted as the student is being assessed. We want it sorted ASAP as it's really worrying them, but presume have to go through these channels. I've put my concerns in writing, DD has sent hers to the email they asked them to contact. Anyone any idea now timescale for this kind of thing?
AppleWriter
New member
Gosh Jenny this is awful. I’m so sorry your poor DD and flatmates are having to deal with this. I’ve not been in this situation so can’t offer advice but didn’t want to let it pass without acknowledgment. It sounds like you as parents might need to apply some collective pressure. Hopefully someone will be along shortly with experience.
I am so sorry for your daughter, her flatmates and all the people involved. It is such a difficult situation.
I have a friend who had severe mental health issues and was suicidal 2 years ago. They are okay now, but she always tells people to involve the police when things go really bad as it helped them a lot to get help faster. It still took time but significantly less time than without the police being involved.
Also, keep everything in writing, and do not be shy to reach out to police, security, the wellbeing service, and the emergency service. Be a pain, if that helps.
I have a friend who had severe mental health issues and was suicidal 2 years ago. They are okay now, but she always tells people to involve the police when things go really bad as it helped them a lot to get help faster. It still took time but significantly less time than without the police being involved.
Also, keep everything in writing, and do not be shy to reach out to police, security, the wellbeing service, and the emergency service. Be a pain, if that helps.
999. Let them decide. I'm not sure why welfare are skirting around the issue. 999. Always. Even if the the suggestion is fake or a call for help. let the hospital decide. 999.Update: student has told flatmates they were thinking of jumping off a bridge the other day, and has had severe cuts on arms. Security have been to say remove all sharp items from kitchen. Student took themself to A&E on Fri saying they were suicidal then has been home for the weekend. Flatmates have all complained and several parents including myself have too. Wellbeing have visited today and asked the flatmates to put it all in writing. Dd is now having nightmares as afraid of the student who is bigger than her and has said they feel out of control when in possession of a knife. Has had all knives taken off them but has said they'll just get another. Wellbeing made them think this could be a long time getting sorted as the student is being assessed. We want it sorted ASAP as it's really worrying them, but presume have to go through these channels. I've put my concerns in writing, DD has sent hers to the email they asked them to contact. Anyone any idea now timescale for this kind of thing?
999. Let them decide. I'm not sure why welfare are skirting Also you mentioned that the parents know now. Their next step is to remove the individual but that is for them to sort. I'm afraid 999 is the only way the flat mates can pass responsibility. The security and welfare should not be dealing with it alone.. they must assume it's a fake. 999. This actually happened to me and a housemate at uni back in the 90s. 999 did not at ever point reprimand us for calling them over and over again999. Let them decide. I'm not sure why welfare are skirting around the issue. 999. Always. Even if the the suggestion is fake or a call for help. let the hospital decide. 999.
Ok, i think it is just not good enough to leave a suicidal and possibly dangerous young person in housing with others that are scared of them. The Uni should sort out different accommodation for the rest of the students, or move the affected youngster somewhere else. I feel very sorry for the youngster that is feeling so terrible, BUT 1) Their parents are now obviously well aware of the situation and 2) The University has a duty of care for the rest of the students. Why the hell has the Uni not spoken to the parents and asked them to remove the youngster for their own good? I think if i had a youngster sharing that flat, i would just say to them to come home, and if the Uni wanted to get arsey about it, i would say that THEY could not guarantee their safety and until they could, the student would have to study online instead - put it onto them to sort out. I am not saying it is all down to the Uni, but they have to be aware of their duty of care. Hope it gets sorted out soon Jenny. xx
In case anyone is still watching this thread, just to update... the student is now in his second week of travelling from home. Uni wellbeing dept have had him assessed and apparently he poses no risk to himself or others. I am somewhat surprised that a yp who is self harming and talking about suicide is "better" in what amounted to less than a week. He wants to return to the flat. The flatmates don't want him back, they feel unsafe and also don't want to be responsible. Wellbeing tell me they can't "ban" him from uni accommodation but are trying to convince him to move to a different flat or halls. He now wants a supervised meeting with the flatmates to convince them that he's OK now. None of them want to go, as they just want this over with. It's dragging on and encroaching on my daughter's studies now.
Apparently it was just a temporary problem due to the transition from home to uni?? I can't work out why they or he, think that going through this transition again, especially back to the flat where the others have been traumatised and therefore this time are not going to be inviting him out or trying to make friends as they did the first time, is not going to result in a relapse?! My (layperson's) understanding of self harming is that it takes a long time and a lot of work for someone to get past it. Why on earth aren't they telling him the best choice is to defer and go home to get well?? And in fact why aren't his own parents saying this? They have been involved I think but not sure how supportive mind you.
I'm getting to the end of my tether, I feel that the accommodation terms and conditions we signed are being broken here, as the flat doesn't constitute a safe place to live. He may not be a physical risk (debatable in my opinion) but he is a huge risk to my daughter's mental health, she has had problems herself with anxiety and some other issues in the past, and I don't want her relapsing. She's had to get in touch with her therapist from home as she needs her support again. (Wellbeing keep offering but she has a solid relationship with home therapist and trusts her so has declined.)
I have told them all of this repeatedly. So has my daughter, and I believe other flatmates and their parents have also been in touch. But we're hitting a brick wall.
Not the start we wanted for her at uni. Luckily everything else at uni is going well for her thank goodness.
Apparently it was just a temporary problem due to the transition from home to uni?? I can't work out why they or he, think that going through this transition again, especially back to the flat where the others have been traumatised and therefore this time are not going to be inviting him out or trying to make friends as they did the first time, is not going to result in a relapse?! My (layperson's) understanding of self harming is that it takes a long time and a lot of work for someone to get past it. Why on earth aren't they telling him the best choice is to defer and go home to get well?? And in fact why aren't his own parents saying this? They have been involved I think but not sure how supportive mind you.
I'm getting to the end of my tether, I feel that the accommodation terms and conditions we signed are being broken here, as the flat doesn't constitute a safe place to live. He may not be a physical risk (debatable in my opinion) but he is a huge risk to my daughter's mental health, she has had problems herself with anxiety and some other issues in the past, and I don't want her relapsing. She's had to get in touch with her therapist from home as she needs her support again. (Wellbeing keep offering but she has a solid relationship with home therapist and trusts her so has declined.)
I have told them all of this repeatedly. So has my daughter, and I believe other flatmates and their parents have also been in touch. But we're hitting a brick wall.
Not the start we wanted for her at uni. Luckily everything else at uni is going well for her thank goodness.
In case anyone is still watching this thread, just to update... the student is now in his second week of travelling from home. Uni wellbeing dept have had him assessed and apparently he poses no risk to himself or others. I am somewhat surprised that a yp who is self harming and talking about suicide is "better" in what amounted to less than a week. He wants to return to the flat. The flatmates don't want him back, they feel unsafe and also don't want to be responsible. Wellbeing tell me they can't "ban" him from uni accommodation but are trying to convince him to move to a different flat or halls. He now wants a supervised meeting with the flatmates to convince them that he's OK now. None of them want to go, as they just want this over with. It's dragging on and encroaching on my daughter's studies now.
Apparently it was just a temporary problem due to the transition from home to uni?? I can't work out why they or he, think that going through this transition again, especially back to the flat where the others have been traumatised and therefore this time are not going to be inviting him out or trying to make friends as they did the first time, is not going to result in a relapse?! My (layperson's) understanding of self harming is that it takes a long time and a lot of work for someone to get past it. Why on earth aren't they telling him the best choice is to defer and go home to get well?? And in fact why aren't his own parents saying this? They have been involved I think but not sure how supportive mind you.
I'm getting to the end of my tether, I feel that the accommodation terms and conditions we signed are being broken here, as the flat doesn't constitute a safe place to live. He may not be a physical risk (debatable in my opinion) but he is a huge risk to my daughter's mental health, she has had problems herself with anxiety and some other issues in the past, and I don't want her relapsing. She's had to get in touch with her therapist from home as she needs her support again. (Wellbeing keep offering but she has a solid relationship with home therapist and trusts her so has declined.)
I have told them all of this repeatedly. So has my daughter, and I believe other flatmates and their parents have also been in touch. But we're hitting a brick wall.
Not the start we wanted for her at uni. Luckily everything else at uni is going well for her thank goodness.
Pinkpeanut
New member
Gosh I’ve just read all of this and it’s heartbreaking all round . I can understand why your dd and their flatmates are concerned about this YP returning .
I think a key thing to drill into your dd is no matter what his safety is not her responsibility, it doesn’t really help I know but it is crucial. If this YP wants to harm themselves they will no matter what . You dd should never ever feel they can’t call the police and or ambulance, they need to escalate this every time . If they are serious then you dd is not equipped to deal with it and if not they can’t use this as a manipulation . I’m quite sure for some this is a way of off loading emotions they can’t deal with ( leaving home for example) and they need to learn safer coping strategies.
Your are absolutely right to be concerned for your dd and her flatmates. They need to reach out for some support from uni well being , therapist or even one of the mental health charities . They also need to know they can also call uni site security 24/7 and in my experience they treat this sort of thing very seriously and will be there to support the flat .
Im sorry she has had such a hard time starting her new journey but it sounds as if she has a lot of support from you and her other flatmates and their families . I hope things resolve soon
I think a key thing to drill into your dd is no matter what his safety is not her responsibility, it doesn’t really help I know but it is crucial. If this YP wants to harm themselves they will no matter what . You dd should never ever feel they can’t call the police and or ambulance, they need to escalate this every time . If they are serious then you dd is not equipped to deal with it and if not they can’t use this as a manipulation . I’m quite sure for some this is a way of off loading emotions they can’t deal with ( leaving home for example) and they need to learn safer coping strategies.
Your are absolutely right to be concerned for your dd and her flatmates. They need to reach out for some support from uni well being , therapist or even one of the mental health charities . They also need to know they can also call uni site security 24/7 and in my experience they treat this sort of thing very seriously and will be there to support the flat .
Im sorry she has had such a hard time starting her new journey but it sounds as if she has a lot of support from you and her other flatmates and their families . I hope things resolve soon
Jenny - thanks for the reply, i have been wondering what had happened with this awful situation. I think that the fact that the YP thinks he is ok after a couple of weeks is questionable - what has happened that is so earth shattering in the last couple of weeks that has put all thoughts of self harm and suicide out of his head? You say that Uni wellbeing have 'had him assessed', but i wonder what this actually means? The whole thing with the supervised meeting brings up a few questions in my mind. Does he want someone else there to be a peacekeeper? If so, then he must realise that the flatmates don't want him back, and if he realises this, how is it going to help his mental state being in a place with people that don't feel safe with him? Also, i don't think its fair to expect the flatmates to be really honest with someone else there, on his behalf? I am somewhat surprised that his parents think he is ready to go back - anyone who shows such extreme behaviour in a couple of weeks, due to the 'transition' from home to Uni is NOT someone who is showing much maturity in expressing his feelings, and there is no guarantee that it will not happen again. I sincerely hope that the young man involved gets some of the help that i think he needs. Personally if he was my son, i would defer his place and keep him home, but if they are not going to do that, at least keep him at home until the New Year, and then review how he has coped from now until Christmas. I appreciate that the Uni is in a bit of a hard place, BUT i think it is completely understandable that the flat mates don't feel comfortable with accepting him back, they are youngsters just trying to start their journeys, they really should not have to be responsible for the life and wellbeing of someone else. The only thing i can suggest is to write a letter stating your worries about your daughter and the rest of the flatmates, and get them ALL to sign it, and even their parents if possible. Standing together as an entire flat/group is probably the best way to make the Uni see what your issues are. I hope you get it sorted out, i do feel sympathy for the young man, but the way it has been handled seems to have taken his wellbeing into account OVER the wellbeing of the other youngsters, which is just not right.